The Prison Newsletter is a newsletter "from incarcerates for incarcerates" called "Big House Bugle - All The Lowdown On The Litch" that Piper starts in the Season Two episode six, "You Also Have A Pizza".
After Larry was asked by the reporter Andrew Nance to help him find out some information about Litchfield regarding financial irregularities via Piper, he confronts Piper planning to write that article himself with her investigating from the inside. First she refuses, as she could jeopardise her future freedom, but later starts to investigate on her own and asks some questions of inmates and guards, for example about the gym that was planned but never built. When Healy notices she's full of questions, he approaches her about her intentions. Using Larry's earlier words, "Freedom of press shouldn't only be privilege of the free", she claims she was planning a prison newsletter written by prisoners, with articles and op-ed pieces, as she was "trying to get out of her bubble to get to know this place".
- "This is our home. We should all be communicating more. Inmates, guards, administration.
This could really help us get to know each other and this place better."
- — Piper to Healy
Healy approves of her idea, on condition of Piper delivering him some sample stories the next day, as he's hoping taking part in that newsletter could make him become popular with the inmates again. Since it's Valentine's Day, she walks around and questions inmates on their definitions of love, secretly to find out something more about Litchfield ("You Also Have a Pizza").
What is love?
- "What do I think love is? It's when someone makes your stomach feel all tight, but floaty at the same time, you know? And your cheeks hurt, from smiling. And you smile so much, that people think something is wrong with you. And also fucking! 24/7, deep dick, can't-walk-right fucking!"
- — Aleida Diaz
- "Love is light. Acceptance. Fire."
- — Sister Ingalls
- "Pain. Horrible Pain. That you want again and again."
- — Sophia Burset
- "Well, you know me. I got so much to say about love."
- — Lorna Morello
- "It's just chilling, you know? Kicking it with somebody, talking, making mad stupid jokes. And, like, not even wanting to go to sleep, 'cause then you might be without 'em for a minute. And you don't want that."
- — Poussey Washington
- "I had this thing with my boss at Long John Silver's. And then I found out his wife was wicked hot. So that was nice. "
- — Leanne Taylor
- "Okay, it's like getting into a bath, but the water is like warm chocolate pudding. And The Smiths are playing 'Light That Never Goes Out'. Oh, there's warm light all over and they're like five guys massaging you. - And you have pizza. - She's right. And you also have a pizza."
- — Flaca Gonzales & Maritza Ramos
- "That's a fucking retarded question."
- — Taslitz
- "It's like you become more you. Which normally is like... *funny faces*... But now it's okay... because the person, like, whoever, they chose to take all that on. All that weird stuff. Whatever's wrong or bad or hiding in you. Suddenly it's alright. You don't feel like such a freak anymore."
- — Suzanne Warren
- "It's like coming home after a long trip. That's what love is like. It's like coming home. Thanks for asking."
- — Piper Chapman
- "I don't have time for this shit"
- — Mei Chang (offscreen, only in newsletter)
In "Comic Sans", Lorna, Daya and Flaca show their interest to Piper in being part of the newsletter and later they all have their first meeting in the library to discuss its content. Due to divergences, they decide that all four are assistant editors, as everyone is "vital to the operation".
Earlier, Piper recommended Lorna to write something about romance, but as she wants to distract herself for a while from love-related stuff, Piper proposes her a beauty column in which she as an expert could give advice for the other inmates.
Caputo considers the newsletter as a good way to "communicate with the inmates and explain our side of things". He wants Piper to write something about the guards of Litchfield to show they are humans, too, who are just doing their job and proposes the title "Guards, they are people too!". After that, Piper interviews Caputo about his private life, as she wants to keep him off their back.
During the meeting Daya starts to draw a cartoon about being in jail with animals at the zoo, using Comic Sans as font for the speech bubbles. It also includes a moody walrus that personates Mr. Healy, who states that he likes that walrus after reading it.
Flaca plans to write an advice column, in which she wants to answer people writing to her about their problems, wanting to tell them "to get their shit together".
- "Guards, they're people too!" featuring Joe Caputo
- Flaca's advice column called "Flaca, Say..." : "Two's A Crowd"
- "What Do You Think Love Is?" by Piper featuring the answers she's got the other day
- Lorna's beauty column called "Inside Style"
- "The Eye Of The Beholder" with 5 beauty tips by Lorna
- Daya's cartoon
- Book Review about "Around the World in 80 Days" by J[?]
- "Safe Place" Advertisement
- "Show Time"
- Tuesday 7 pm, Common Room, Rebel Without A Cause
- Friday 8 pm, Common Room, Big Momma's House
- "What's On The Menu"
In her beauty articles Lorna advises on using what the prisoners have access to for make up; for example, utilising instant coffee for eye shadow.
"Guards, they're people too! - Meet Joseph "Joe" Caputo"
- Favorite Books: Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Catcher is the Rye, The Hunger Games, anything by [...], Who moved my Cheese?
- Favorite Movie: Raging Bull
- Favorite Food: Mom's [...]
- Hobbies: [...], bass guitar,
- Trivia: [...]
- Quote To Live By: [...]"
- Due to Piper's interview with Caputo we also get to know he has a pet turtle.
In "Appropriately Sized Pots" they are working on another issue of the prison newsletter.
- "Guards, they are people too!" featuring Susan Fischer
- Daya's cartoon
- Flaca's advice column
- Lorna's beauty column about "Three Ways To Get A Man To Like You"
Daya has drawn another cartoon in the same style, this time about Fig portrayed as an greedy pig with high heels who heads Litchfield only for her own advantage, disregarding the interests of its inmates. Piper suggests having her hold money bags, too.
One of Flaca's advice column's submitted inquiries:
- "Dear Flaca, my bunkie's lifting my shit. How should I handle the situation?" - "Try to reason with that bitch to lay off the sticky fingers, but if she doesn't listen, you know, drag her to a place where no one can see and bash her head real good." Pipers reaction: "You can't write anything of that. You know the administration needs to approve of all of this. Why don't you tell her to go buy a sturdy lock at the commissary?"
In her column "Three Ways To Get A Man To Like You", Lorna gives following tips:
- "1) Men like to be in control and to be protective. It is an instinct that goes back millions of years to when we were apes. All you have to do is make them feel you need their protection. You have to ask for their help, which can be difficult [for] some ladies. Be sure to wear soft clothes [in] pastel colours which really make a man [think] you're in need of protection.
- 2) Men also want to feel free. You don't [...] be a burden. Don't always be available [when he] wants to meet. If he asks you to have [...] then hang out after, tell him you are busy [...] about the next night? And if he doesn't [...] be jealous.
- 3) More than anything, men want to [...] have the last word. You can [...]"
"Guards, they're people too! - Meet Susan Fischer:
- Favorite Books: "G" is for Gumshoe, Forever, Jane Eyre, Bossypants, Little Woman, The Help
- Favorite Movie: You've Got Mail
- Favorite Food: Mint Milanos, Chop Suey
- Hobbies: Knitting, Intramural Softball, Mentoring at Litchfield Elementary, Archery, Karaoke
- Trivia: She won her fifth grade disctract Geography Bee and is fluent in Spanish.
- Quote to Live by: 'The aim for me is making people think like they're not alone.' - Zooey Deschanel"
End of the Newsletter
In "Little Mustachioed Shit", Fig chews out Caputo for allowing the newsletter, observing that the walrus in Issue One is Healy and the pig in Issue Two is herself. When the Hunger Strike demands are printed in the third issue of the newsletter in Take a Break From Your Values, Fig and Caputo are incensed and the newsletter is stopped.